[Based on Simba's life from the Lion King]
I gaze at my surroundings.
I see laughs, smiles, and joyfulness.
I feel a sudden rush go through my body.
I perform a mindless reaction and
I jump up, run to the top of the mountain.
I see the land and the people before me.
Triumphant.
Happiness, courage, and glee fill my soul.
Family, friends, and folks gather around.
They…
The ones I care most about,
The ones closest to my heart,
The ones I cherish.
Loving.
People look up to me and see me as,
A brave one, wiling to stand up for what I believe in.
A kind-hearted one, choosing what’s best for all people.
A playful, energetic one, ready to attack what’s ahead of me.
Heroic.
Although, there are times when this happens…
I forget my responsibilities.
I put play before work.
I become insouciant.
Carefree.
And sometimes,
The smallest thing can tear me down.
The tiniest detail can break my heart.
The littlest action can bring me to tears.
Sensitive.
Things may seem good at first.
But with every up, comes a down.
And with every down, comes an up.
That is, the circle of life.
Hi ZEEEbra!
ReplyDeleteI love your poem! It's so cute! haha. While I was reading it, I really got the picture of Simba. He's playful, sensitive, carefree, etc. In everyline they really reminded me of you!
I just have a few things to point out.
-In the section after triumphant in the "They..." part, I know they are follow ups to say, "They...(blank, blank, blank.)" but when you try putting them together it sounds like this:
"They the ones I care most about,"
"They The ones closest to my heart,"
"They the ones I cherish."
You should change that to "They are" because they are sentence fragments I believe.
-In this line, "A brave one, wiling to stand up for what I believe in." Change wiling to 'willing'.
-When I read this line, "A playful, energetic one, ready to attack what’s ahead of me." I felt that the word 'attack' was a little sudden for me. But I understand why you used it. B/c Simba is a lion and he attacks things. haha. But if you ever wanted to change it, you can use 'overcome'. :)
That's all I have to say! I really enjoyed the idea of using Simba as your allusion. Your organization was done very well, your voice can be clearly heard, your word choice is excellent, and your sentence fluency is good!
I hope I helped! Some of the things I suggested can be easily fixed :)
Good job and good luck on final :D
-Shaaaannel
Heyo Czarina,
ReplyDeleteThis was a cute poem; I liked it a lot. :3
Aw, Shannel got a lot of what I was going to comment on. But wait, I will give you a good comment as well.
I liked the "Triumphant.", "Loving.", "Heroic.", and the other adjectives that you put in the poem. It tied it together nicely, but I feel that they were a little abrupt. Perhaps you could say, "I am Triumphant, I am loving, I am Heroic..." etc etc instead of just the words by themselves to further connect the poem to yourself.
I also agree with Shannel about the "They..." part being a bit, uhm... kind of a standalone word that could use some friends. Her suggestion was much better than mine (I was thinking of taking it out completely) so I would reccomend following her examples.
In the lines after "Heroic." I feel that you could word the first line "Although, there are times when this happens" a little better. Maybe try being a little more specific on what "this" is.
I really love how you tied the "Circle of Life" in at the end with the ups and downs. That was really creative. :)
xoxo
-Jordie
Hi Czarina,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your teammates that this was a really neat poem :) And, like Jordie, I really liked the structure that mirrors the "circle" theme.
I agree with both about the "They..." part and I vote for just taking out the line..
I like the single adjectives and think it's okay for you to leave them.
As for the word "attacks" I agree that it seems a little too extreme....how about "pounce" to keep with the feline imagery?
Overall really nice job...am looking forward to seeing the graphic :)
mrs s