Journal #7 Comment on Two (2) R&R Drafts

Brittany: Your essay makes me want mango cream cheese pie, seriously! But you wanna make sure you check some of the spelling. You've got some typos in there, haha. Oh, make sure the beginning of the first words of the sentences are capitalized. It would help a lot if you used more sensory details, though. For example, in one part you said that there was a "huge mess". How can you describe huge mess? Remember, you want to make the reader "see the picture". Also, make sure you capitalize your i's. I have a tendency of doing that, too. Other than that, good job on your essay!

Kevin: The way you describe it makes me want cassava bibingka now! :D haha. Your essay includes some sensory details, but i think you should add just A LITTLE more. like for example: you said "desirable dessert" that's a good

adjective, but it doesn't SHOW how desirable it is. (notice how i put SHOW in capital letters) also, when you said "dry and liquid ingredients" you didn't say how "liquid-y" or "dry" it is. describing them would help a whole lot. your purpose isn't just to tell the story, you have to "show" it too, in other words, the reader can see the picture of what you are trying to say. Uhm, try to make your essay a little longer, perhaps? Hmm, some of your i's aren't capitalized... so make sure you do capitalize it in your final essay. In the second to the last sentence you wrote the word 'till, i guess its okay to write that... but if i were you, i would've wrote the word 'until'. i like how you added the filipino phrase "ma sarap" in there, especially in the last sentence :) other than that, AWESOME JOB, kev-o! ;]