-first paragraph-
in the first sentence.. you said that it is the best and coolest room in the house. tell us WHY it is... and how its unique. a way that would help is by doing this... (i know we discussed about the memories you had, like the sleepovers), be more descriptive about those "memories". [yeah, i think it would be best if you talked about the sleepovers, it would give the story some 'razzzzmatazz'.] (that's the way i say "life" haha)
okay, now second paragraph... in the last sentence... you said that it's the "coolest" room.. do you mean 'cool' as in 'not humid' or 'cool' as in 'hip or awesome'? if you meant cool as in not humid, it would really help the readers to 'feel' how your room is.
3rd paragraph... Okay, to me... this is the most descriptive and specific paragraph out of the four. Because it really describes how your room smells and what sounds you could hear. I really like this paragraph. But i noticed that in your "Journal entry #8' you said that you listen to music and watch tv, you didn't mention anything about those two. i recommend you to talk about them in your final.
Kay, last paragraph.. you talk about how you go to your room when you have all these different emotions... tell us how and why your room settles you during these times. What do you do to help? Do you listen to music, write, read, etc.
We know that your room is tidy and stuff, but how can you describe tidy. Like, are all your clothes in one place (the closet, supposedly), are all your books put away nicely? Saying things like that can REALLY help us to see your room in our heads. Uhm, what else is there to say...? OH! Make sure you capitalize the important words... like "Pearl Harbor" and "Waikiki".
*Indentation of the paragraphs is important, too kev-o!
It seems to me as if you really love hanging out in your room, that it would be hard to part from it if you ever move because you've been there for quite a while.
Now, I'll critique you on the six traits.
Ideas-I can really see that you know a lot about your room and some parts are very interesting. I can kinda, sorta picture your room right now... yet, its not really clear. Specify your nouns and adjectives more often.
Organization-Your sentences don't really finish the topic. Like for example... "My room is a place where i go when i'm feeling depressed, mad, or excited." That's all you said. You need to continue on about that.
Voice- I like how you make the essay so calm and peaceful. It makes the readers so relaxed. But, it doesn't really answer some questions that are running trough my head. What I'm trying to say is... SHOW us, DON'T TELL us.
Word Choice- Some words are very common like.. 'best'. Try to come up with new adjectives.
Sentence Fluency-The third paragraph has the most rhythm, make the other ones like that and your essay will be AWESOME!
Conventions and Presentation-Capitalize important words, Add indentations, and... use the right punctuation marks in the right places.
Phew, finally finished. (;
.... Ps: Good job, kev-o!
-Czarina Caberto
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Brittany: Your essay made me cry! Its very touching, especially the last part! You did a good job of making the readers feel the emotions and message you tried to portray. I can tell that you really love that house and that it was very hard to part from it knowing that you lived there for quite a long time..
I will now critique you by paragraphs.
First Paragraph: Very specific. But there were some spelling mistakes.. like 'dining'... you put 'dinning'. And make sure you put the apostrophes in the right place, like for "can't".
Second Paragraph: Instead of "all us cousins" you should put, "My cousins and I". Uhm, I like how you added the part where you guys hid in the back of the car. It adds some razzzamtaazz (life) in your story.
Third Paragraph: I think this paragraph should be just a bit more specific. Describe the special memories you had during the holidays, that would help.
Fourth Paragraph: Ahh, this is where your story gets more memorable. The mood changes. This is a good thing because it helps the reader to understand the story more. It really shows how much you can relate to the house.
Fifth Paragraph: AHHH! The most emotional part of the essay! This is the paragraph that made me cry. The way you described everyone slowly moving out made it sound so sad. You did a good job on this paragraph.
Now, I will comment you by the six traits:
Ideas: Your paper is very clear and easy to understand. Yet, I noticed that you don't talk about smell, taste, or feel. That would help us to picture what you are saying more.
Organization: Very easy to follow. Everything is in chronological order.
Voice: I can see alot of personality. I know that it is YOU who wrote it not someone else. For example... the part where you called the police really shows its you because of your sillyness. Haha, typical britt. Just kidding ;P
Word Choice: Nice choice of adjectives and verbs. It helps to tell the story more. Like, I said before. Be more specific on some stuff. SHOW don't TELL.
Sentence Fluency: Nice clear sentences. Some are short and some are long, which help it to have a rhythm.
Conventions and Presentation: Some capitals aren't in the right places. No Indentation... One grammar error in the second paragraph. Spelling... Last Paragraph "Slat Lake.. it's SALT Lake." There was only a few errors, fix them all and your paper will be PERFECT! :)
-czarina (:
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