UH MANOA doesn't require an essay, but I chose a topic to do my college essay on.
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“And now we welcome, Czarina Caberto. The class of 2017’s Valedictorian.”
I rise to my feet, staring blankly at the people around me, with cameras in their hands. I see the crowd of people opening and closing their mouths, with smiles on their faces. Some of the people’s palms slap together so quickly. While others grasped their camera’s and pointed them at me, shooting bright, white and yellow flashes towards my direction. But why is it that there are no words to be heard? No sound to be listened to? Nothing. I can’t function correctly; knowing that what is happening now is just unbelievable. I lifted the hem of my dark colored gown and adjusted my graduation cap as I stepped onto the stage, feeling my heart beat faster and faster. I moved my mouth towards the microphone as it made a loud sound. Suddenly, I feel the vibration of cheers going into my ears and I see everyone clap and scream my name as I proceed on to say my speech.
“Good evening parents, staff, friends, family, and graduates of UH Manoa. My college years have been indescribable. The obstacles I’ve gone through, the people I met, and the things I’ve learned are just so amazing. But there’s one day that I will treasure the most for the past years. And that would be… the day I got accepted.”
I turn around and look at my parents in the very front row staring at me with watery eyes and sincere smiles on their faces. I turn and look at my professors and give them a smile saying “Thank You”.
“Knowing that UH Manoa was going to be my school, I was in for a ride. I was ready to face what the school had to offer me. But most importantly, I was ready to start my life.”
I stopped for a moment and felt the tears rush through my eyes. As much as I didn’t like crying in public, it didn’t matter to me anymore. All that really mattered was this very moment.
“There really isn’t anything to regret. My time here has truly been the experience of a lifetime. Thank you, all.”
The loud thunder of clapping and cheering roared throughout the Stan Sheriff Center. I give a small nod of my head and walk off the stage, proudly.
Suddenly, I hear the sound of an alarm clock ringing. Everything turns black and there’s nothing to be seen in sight. The crowd has disappeared. The clapping and cheering was gone. I open my eyes slowly and see the sun peeking through the curtain hanging from my window. I feel the warm covers of my bed, the soft, fluffy white pillow under my head, and the wind blowing through the window. Coming to realization, it was all just a dream. A dream that will, without a doubt, come true.
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The topic was: "How do you imagine your graduation ceremony to be like?"
Czarina!
ReplyDeletei really enjoyed your essay
it was very descriptive that i imagined i was one of your fellow classmates watching you and when you said you turned around to look at parents i felt like i saw you smiling.
Your dialogues fits nicely into your essay, you speak as if you have your own experiences with college.
Your essay went by so quickly because it was so thorough.
And the ending was very well written it had such a twist in the end.
-britt
Hey Czaaaarina!
ReplyDeleteWow, the idea of it being your graduation then ending up being a dream was a one of a kind way to write out your topic. It wasn't expecting it to be a dream. I liked the way you incorporated it saying that even though it was a dream, it will be a dream that you will succeed. "Coming to realization, it was all just a dream. A dream that will, without a doubt, come true."
Your organization is truly perfected in your essay. You start off with you being acknowledged, walking to the stage, presenting your speech, everything slowly disappeared and then ended with all being a dream.
I can hear your voice clearly. Especially in your thoughts when you said, "I stopped for a moment and felt the tears rush through my eyes. As much as I didn’t like crying in public, it didn’t matter to me anymore. All that really mattered was this very moment."
You have good sentence fluency too. They were very descriptive and thorough. "Suddenly, I feel the vibration of cheers going into my ears and I see everyone clap and scream my name as I proceed on to say my speech."
Good job on word choice! It works really well with your essay. Ex: Roared, thunder, indescribable, vibration, proceed, etc.
Throughout your essay I was very intrigued because I just kept wanting to read some more until the very end. Your conclusion really worked in giving that 'little surprise.' I don't really have problems with your essay so good luck on revision!
-shannnnnel :)
Hi Czarina,
ReplyDeleteI, too, believe this is a dream that can come true :) I'll be looking forward to 2017 :)
Now, for the essay...although your teammates liked the alarm and the dream element at the end of the essay, it is actually one that is used a lot in student papers :) I would keep the idea of the dream and the fact that you will make it come true, but I would use the idea of "dream" in that sense...a goal...and not a physical dream.
For the body of the paragraph, add specific detail to support the various ideas you have about the college experience. What are some of the challenges you expect to meet? What are some of the things you hope to learn and experiences you hope to have? Making that specific will help to characterize you as well as show (not tell) what you hope to get out of the college experience :)
Best wishes on great dreams!
mrs s