I am like a star, i shine brightly,
so that others may choose to follow me,
and my bright example of righteousness and justice,
I throw my little light beam so far,
that I outshine the bad deeds in the world,
and as that beam shines into the minds of others,
it overcomes them with the need to strive for excellence,
and just like stars,
I am brighter once nighttime comes,
because throughout the day I learn the lessons that have been taught to me,
People look at me and say that I am like the others,
but once you gaze at and start to explore me,
you'll come to find that I am much different in many ways,
I may come across you as you hold in a wish,
and I'll do what I can to make that wish come true,
I am like a star.
Hey czarina I know we didn't plan this but you look like you could use a comment so here it goes...
ReplyDeleteI like how each line flows into the next it makes your poem very smooth. I think some of the metaphors you should simplify it a little because it’s really good but it took me some time to understand some of them and once I did I lost the rhythm of the poem haha also I think you’re not suppose to use like or as like make it a simile but I could be wrong you might want to check with Sueoka other than that I like it it’s so hmmm I don't know how to describe it I want to say mystifying haha ok I hope this helped ttyl byes -Kiyo
Hey, thanks Kiyo for the comment! I actually did need another commenter for my poem, because I only had Brittany as a commenter. I was wondering if you needed me to comment yours too, or do you already have two commenters?
ReplyDeleteCzarina I was a bit confused on some parts.
ReplyDeleteSome parts I kind of knew what you were talking about such as
"so that others may choose to follow me,
and my bright example of righteousness and justice"
but at other times, I did not get it such as
"I throw my little light beam so far"
I think this metaphor suits you well because people do look up to you for help like me, but I don't know if its just me but maybe you could make it a little easier for us to understand.
I felt like you described a star most of the time rather than comparing yourself to one. I am too finding it hard to put my thoughts into words right now and I hope this helped. :))))))
Hi Czarina,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your poem. I'm not quite sure why your teammates had a hard time understanding your metaphor...the comparisons of the star and its light shining, during the day and during the night, seemed pretty clear, to me.
What I would recommend are a few more specifics, both about stars (like scientific stuff that characterize stars) and about yourself, your ideas or goals in the area of justice, for example...or things that you do that serve to "enlighten" others :)
Nice job...will be interesting to see how you convey this in a video :)
mrs s
HEEEEEEY CZARINA :D ok so here i go
ReplyDeleteI love your metaphor. You have described the different aspects of stars, and how they apply to you. I would love your poem even more, if you elaborated on how you are different from other stars. Other than that, GOOD JOB :D