Monday, December 7, 2009

Interdependence Rough Draft

Interdependence
*I will come up with a better title for my final [:*
By: Czarina Caberto

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t complete a task without people by your side? As if, doing something would be totally worthless if you were to do something all alone and you the only way to fulfill something is by depending on others? Well, that’s called interdependence. This word is usually mistaken by “independence.” If you were to be “independent”, then you can do everything by yourself without even a little it of help. In life, many of us depend on others. Whether it is at home, school, etc.

Interdependence involves lots of cooperation. For example, in English class, we have a project called KC3 in which we all have individual responsibilities and subtopics. If none of us did not complete our task or did our research for our subtopic, there would be nothing to put on our webpage, nothing to talk about in our video, nothing to show on the slides of our Power Point, etc. Basically, there would be no info to talk about! What a disaster! Luckily, we all did our research. So now, we DO have something to talk about and we can all finish up our tasks.

If one person were to be interdependent on another, it affects that person greatly. Their outcomes would go up or down together. Whenever they are in a situation in which there is a positive accomplishment among their outcomes, the chance among their outcomes are enhanced radically. Many of us test for interdependence by asking ourselves this question: “Is assistance really necessary”?

According to my little cousin, milk doesn’t come from cows but they come from stores. She’s never seen a cow being milked, but she has been to a store with her mother to buy milk, so in her world, milk does come from stores. Purchasing is a major activity in our daily lives, especially in adults. In fact, if there were to be some sort of crisis in our world that would prevent us from being able to purchase daily necessities, such as toiletries and food, then that would be one unsettling experience because we are the consumer of these goods, not the producers. So mainly, we are interdependent toward these things to keep ourselves content.

Whenever I undergo interdependence, things that happen usually go under “positive interdependence.” That is because I usually depend on those who I feel closer to, like my family. Those that are closer actually KNOW what we want and what we need. This is important in understanding interdependence because if someone were to depend on just anybody, then they wouldn’t really understand what they desire. Their outcome would most likely go under “negative interdependence” because what they get is probably not what they wished for.

Since interdependence is such a huge thing in our lives, it has helped in bringing us closer to each other. The relationships we develop are molded through interdependence and the use of it. We should bring interdependence to our advantage because of the positive outcomes it has brought us.

8 comments:

  1. Hey Czarina. Good draft (:
    I’ll critique your essay by paragraph. Haha okay! Let’s get started! :D

    1st Paragraph: Strong beginning! I like it. There are some typos and mistakes in grammar. For example - "...and you the only way to fulfill something is by depending on others?" The part where it says "and you the only way..." What's the purpose of the "you"? Also in this part, there's a typo; "a little 'it' of help." LOL Anyway,I like how you compared dependence and interdependence. It really gives the reader something to think about! (:

    2nd Paragraph: Using our KC3 project as an example to show how interdependence works was a good idea! It definitely shows how we need each other to complete our project and that's exactly what interdependence is!

    3rd Paragraph: For this paragraph, can you give specific examples? Especially for these parts, "If one person were to be interdependent on another, it affects that person greatly. Their outcomes would go up or down together. Whenever they are in a situation in which there is a positive accomplishment among their outcomes, the chance among their outcomes are enhanced radically." How would it affect someone to be interdependent? What about their outcomes? Putting specific examples would help enhance the reader's understanding of your topic. Oh, there is a subject-verb agreement error in this part of the sentence. “…the chance among their outcomes are enhanced radically” The “are” should be changed into “is” because your subject is “chance” and it’s a singular noun. (:

    4th Paragraph: Nice ideas for this paragraph! (about the milk and how your cousin thinks it come from stores) For this sentence, "Purchasing is a major activity in our daily lives, especially in adults." Is there supposed to be another word between 'Purchasing' and 'is'? Cause it looks like it. You could probably put the word "products" between it instead. LOL (; Other than that, this paragraph is very good and specific! You support your ideas well!

    5th Paragraph: This paragraph is well written. I see nothing wrong with it! You prove your point well and back up your ideas with strong information. (:

    Last Paragraph: Nice ending! This paragraph is nicely done!

    TO SUM UP EVERYTHING:
    *Ideas are good. (KC3, Depending on the world for our needs)
    *Strong beginning. Nice Ending. Your essay had a nice flow to it. I didn't get lost or confused.
    *You voice is strong. You know what you're writing about and it shows in your essay.
    *You chose your words carefully and effectively. It helps the reader to understand your topic more.
    *You should fix those typos and grammatical errors.
    *Good essay overall!

    GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FINAL ESSAY!
    <3Sharmaine (:
    (It took me an hour to do this commentary! Hahaha)

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  2. hey zee! this is isabelle ^_^
    ok so here I GO!
    Your essay includes a lot of your voice.
    Intro: I like the way you started up. You explained how yourself and others may feel when performing a task. It's great how you explained independence, but don't forget that your essay is about "interdependence". So make sure that you include what interdependence means to you in your intro.

    Body: "If none of us did not complete our task or did our research for our subtopic, there would be nothing to put on our webpage, nothing to talk about in our video, nothing to show on the slides of our Power Point, etc. Basically, there would be no info to talk about! What a disaster!"
    LOL ok this has a lot of voice! :D

    I would suggest that you ease it down a bit..... maybe be rephrasing
    "If we did not compleate our individual tasks, we would not be able to work with anything. There would be no point in our project, therefore leading to no achievement. Our video, powerpoint, webpage, and individual essays would not contain valuable information on renewble resources. With this being said, we all had to carry out our tasks with responsibility.

    "If one person were to be interdependent on another, creates a big impact on both of them."

    Your 5th pragraph again has a lot of voice haha :D let's make it a liiiittle less jumpy....

    According to my little cousin, milk doesn’t come from cows, but from stores. She has never seen a cow being milked, although she has been to a store with her mother to purchase milk. In her world, milk does come from stores.

    Other than that....you explained interdependence in your own words excellent. All you have to do now is take the suggestions given by Sharmaine and I, and include them in your piece...... GREEEAAAT JOB

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  3. Hello Czarina!
    I will be critiquing your essay by paragraphs & possibly by sentences. (:

    1st Paragraph:
    -*I like how you introduced us to a situation in the beginning. I felt that it related to my life and everyone’s life also! I also like how you compared ‘independence’ and ‘interdependence’ it gave me a clear difference on both vocabularies.
    -“, then you can do everything by yourself without even a little it of help.” Did you mean BIT, or IT? It makes sense with the word ‘bit.’ If you want it the other way, without the words either BIT or IT, it can be, “then you can do everything by yourself without even a little help.”
    -“In life, many of us depend on others. Whether it is at home, school, etc.” *the sentence that starts with the word WHETHER and so on, is a fragment. Did you really mean, “In life,” or “In MY life,”? Also when you change the fragment sentence and put it together with the sentence before it, change it to, “In life, many of us depend on others, whether if it is at home, school, etc.” notice I put the word “if” you can change it if you want to, but it’s just a proposal.

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  4. 2nd paragraph:
    -* I like your example of our KC3 project to represent to interdependence. Everything you mentioned, from whether we finish things or not, are true!
    -* I sense your voice in this paragraph! Good job!
    -“If none of us did not complete our task or did our research for our subtopic…” *you can change the word, “or” to “nor” is you wanted to (:
    -*What “info” may you be talking about? It would be cool if you talked a little about what our group’s topic is.

    3rd paragraph:
    -*I like how you explained that interdependence on people can greatly affect the other. If things go bad or good, they all have to deal with the situation.
    -“Whenever they are in a situation in which there is a positive accomplishment among their outcomes, the chance among their outcomes are enhanced radically.” *this part: “the chance among their outcomes are enhanced radically.” You can change it to either: “the chance among their outcomes is..” or “the chances among their outcomes are..”
    -“Many of us test for interdependence by asking ourselves this question: “Is assistance really necessary”? *I understand how we don’t feel like we want to help others unless it involves us, unless you meant it as something else?
    -*You may need to change the part of the sentence above there ^^^ it all depends if you take the word “chance” as either “chance” or “chances”. It will affect it and continue on in the sentence to either “is” or “are” single or plural perhaps?

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  5. 4th paragraph:
    -*I like the idea about you cousin thinking milk comes from the stores. It shows a good example of interdependence.
    -*I agree with shar’s comment about the sentence that starts with “Purchasing..”
    -*It’s very good that you make it specific how we are interdependent toward the things that keep us content. What a good way to finish up the paragraph!

    5th paragraph:
    -* I see no errors (: nice!
    -“That is because I usually depend on those who I feel closer to, like my family. Those that are closer actually KNOW what we want and what we need.” *can you give an example, or experience that relates? It’ll help the reader understand more.
    -It will also be better to be specific on the positive interdependence and negative interdependence, because right now I don’t have a clear definition on it.

    6th paragraph:
    -“Since interdependence is such a huge thing in our lives, it has helped in bringing us closer to each other.” *And you be specific when you say it’s a huge thing in our lives? Example of how it brings us closer?
    -*what do you mean by positive outcomes in your own words?

    OVERALL:
    *your essay is good, you explain specifically and bring up experiences/examples that relate to interdependence very well (:
    *your organization is done well; I like how you formatted it to be. Beginning was strong, ending had the finishing touches!
    *I can DEFINITELY can hear your voice in here czarina! Awesome!
    *your word choice is effective for your essay (:
    *my opinions and questions are below each paragraph and stated above.

    Hope this helps!
    GOOD LUCK ON FINALS!

    -SHAAKKKE >:]

    (Shannel, haha)

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  6. COMMENT RESPONSES:

    SHAR: Sorry for all the typos. haha. I'll be sure to fix them up for my final.

    ISABELLE: Hmm, to jumpy. Are you serious? Awww! I'll see what mrs. sueoka says about my "jumpiness". also, do i really have to include MORE info about interdependence in my intro because uhm... i DID define interdependence in my intro. haha. I'm guessing you didn't catch that part? Lol.

    SHANNEL: OK, GOT IT! :D Wow. long comment. I didn't like how blogger only accept 4,000 something characters... ): I posted like 5 or 6 comments on Shar's blog! :O ANyway, i love your comment! Because its so detailed and it helps me so much! Thanks SHAKE! ;P

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  7. Hi Czarina,

    Don't forget about avoiding "rhetorical questions"--that means questions to the reader. It's not the most natural way to introduce a topic or to "hook" the reader, so I want you guys to practice other ways (like specific detail) to do this.

    Sharmaine had some good comments about the need for specific examples in places in your essay.

    I disagree with Isabelle on the sentence about interdependence and KC3. I think you had good parallel structure in that sentence.

    I also feel that several of the paragraphs need to be made more specific. The KC3 is specific. The reference to your cousin is specific, but it is not that closely tied to your topic. You need to give more specifics about the products, etc, that show we are interdependent.

    Watch double negatives ("none" and "did not" equal a positve = if we all did our work...)

    Let me know if you have questions.
    mrs s

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  8. Random people keep commenting my blog!
    O.o
    Who is this "love" person ^^

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